One of my favorite books is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. In the past week, I feel like I sidestepped a weight that would have been truly unbearable. Looking back, I also feel disentangled from a world that was fun but didn't reflect who I am. I am filled with lightness as I reflect on escaping a problematic situation without getting trapped.
As a chapter closes, I am opening a new chapter in my life. It took a few painful regrets to close my last chapter, but it's done, and it's worth it. I find it ironic how the same set of statements can have two meanings. Even feelings have a sense of irony and the art of wising up is putting them into words, or songs, or even listening to someone else singing them. It’s like an emotional playlist for being where we are at a certain point in time.
I am now starting again, but not in a fresh sense. It’s more of a clarity sense: I feel like I’ve cleaned a couple of weeks of dirt from my glasses and see the world clearer, and yet it is still my world. I can look in the mirror at myself through those cleaned lenses and say with all self-honesty that even though my vision was blurred by fleeting emotions, my moral compass was intact even as those emotions stirred me internally.
Fantasies are the product of an unexamined reality. In the world of digital art and AI, someone can create and form a reality around a caricature of you. That caricature person is not that person, no matter how the artist embodies a personality into that caricature. I can’t control caricatures of myself any more than I can control an AI of myself, especially if it’s being shared without my knowledge or consent. I’m not really even sure how I feel about it, except it makes me uncomfortable in a profound way.
It’s time then for a new playlist and a new chapter.
Here's what I'm listening to.
Perfume Genius
I'm listening to Perfume Genius to mark this transition phase. I love the layered synthesizer and heartfelt vocals.
The sadness you carry It hangs like a ghost And I'll just tear it down And I'll wear it like a ribbon
As I shed the experiences and expelled what I didn't want—and maybe what I thought I wanted but didn't—I felt new again. It gave me a way to look at myself and reflect on how I've connected with and learned from others, and it made me someone inside that I like more. If there was one love lesson I took from this Valentine's Day, I love myself more and more the older I get.
Japanese Breakfast
More than anything, I love the connections I have with my family. As annoying as they can be, I love watching them explore their world - even if I worry about them, it is a joy. My new transition is inward; I'm no longer performing for others around me for them to fulfill some fantasy, but I'm performing for myself and my family when they are kind enough to sit and listen. I am in bed with my guitar in the morning light and singing along with incredible songs. The performance is mine alone, but anyone who loves me enough can linger and listen.
I feel balanced as only an Existentialist can be balanced - knowing the fulcrum of my existence lives in my own experience and sense of self. I am a free spirit, absorbing the freedom as I take my next steps.
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